Microshaft

(don't forget to check the link at the bottom for more lolz)

I like Bill Gates, don't get me wrong. I think the guy is a sneaky lil snake who pulled a fast one which earned him billions of billions of dollars. Props. That and I think Steve Jobs is a prick. Here's what I don't like :)

We all know Microshaft has issues with their products, mainly their Windows operating systems. I used Windows 95, 98, 98se, 2000, and now XP. I'd use Vista but apparently Microshaft isn't interested in catering to pc users who don't shell out hundreds of dollars every month to upgrade their pc so they can play the latest rehashed rpg or fps online. Whatever.

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Security Updates
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Ever tried to install an operating system on a computer and then connect to the internet without any security updates? Ahahahahaha. Holy shit! Not a good idea at all. You'll be blasted straight to hell with virii and trojans that a few years ago could only have been dreamt up in the most epic sci-fi novel. The internet isn't a safe place and you've got to be a savy up-to-date nerd type to navigate it without having to reformat your pc every week. I guess I'm a savy nerd type because I keep my pc relatively safe from any serious problems by maintaining a rigorous schedule of cleaning and disinfecting. Daily. Critical updates, antivirus updates, spyware cleaning, firewalls... *sigh*

With this kind of history it's a wonder Microshaft even considered getting into the videogame market.

Enter the XBOX

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Videogames
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I was curious to see what kind of rabbit Microshifty was going to pull when they decided to enter the videogame market with their own console. I should have seen it coming from a distance (because it's big enough to spot from miles away even in dense fog). The XBOX is a hypoglycemic hyperactive attention disorder oriented console that is big enough to house a Japanese family comfortably. It's big kids. Having the thing sitting in the open in your living room is like adding a large obtrusive piece of furniture that doesn't go with anything. A giant black plastic X has difficulty blending in with anything which has a tendency to piss off the ladies. I guess if you are single and lonely it makes no difference, but it's not going to help you get laid. I know people who are living this problem, but they aren't about to get rid of their XBOX to have a social life. Why bother when you can virtually date supposed girls in the town square of the latest online rpg? It's the same thing unless you've actually met a girl once in your life regardless of whether or not she knew you existed. XBOX != HOT GIRLS ON YOUR ROD AUTO.

So Microshite took on Sony and made a small dent in a market. It was so insignificant that Sony went on to sell 250,000,000 consoles and started turning a profit roughly 2 years into the launch of the PS2. Sony didn't sell 250,000,000 consoles because of XTREME OMFG marketing schemes which Microshite is feeding the public daily at this point. Microcrap had to come up with something since the XBOX was pretty much a failure having been left behind by the major developers throughout it's lifecycle up until the launch of the 360.

I guess having better hardware and graphics along with nearly flawless, complete emulation wasn't enough to trump a bigger library and better games. It only took a few major titles for the PS2 like Gran Turismo, God of War, Shadow of the Colossus, Katamari Damacy, ICO etc., to leave Microshalt in the videogame dust that would again settle to create the latest generation of videogames.

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Enter the 360
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So I guess flushing millions upon millions of dollars down the drain on failed marketing campaigns and flawed videogame launches is the "new thing" in the videogame industry. This isn't to say that Sony isn't also guilty, but Microhawf ushered in the idea so they get full credit for it.

The launch of the 360 was a fiasco of nearly biblical proportions. You couldn't have scripted a bigger disaster. First came the hype. I had never seen nerds on coke until I saw the 360 launch campaign. It would have been really cool if I had been 15 years old and experimenting with psychotropic drugs. WOW THE COLORS AND HYPE MAN!!! Unfortunately for Microderp I've been gaming for over 30 years now, and my bullshit detector is finely tuned to go off in the event of a bullshit tsunami the likes of which only Microleel could possibly finance and endorse. People spazzing out (because they are being paid to) and doublespeak are 2 easy to spot indicators of pure bullshit. The 360 launched with both full on right up in your grill. They even had ninjas falling out of trees. No really. Ninjas falling out of trees. Whoever came up with the whole HEX bullshitstorm should be beaten to death in public. What dumbass actually fell for any of that shit? Apparently teenagers doing E or X or whatever the crap is called.

So the 360 launched before the PS3, HURRY THE FUCK UP GO GO GO style, with the intent of crushing any hope Sony had at selling a new console. Ahahahaha. Right. You'd think with the gazillions of dollars Microhawf has behind them they'd be able to whip Sony like a lil bitch, but it wasn't to be. No sirree bob. Selling 250,000,000+ consoles pretty much guarantees you financial security into the next life and the one after. If Sony didn't have a kick ass library behind every console they sell I'd be ripping them a new one, but they make games I like (and apparently so does everyone else).

The 360 beat the PS3 to the next generation console launch wars first. I guess someone forgot to tell Sony because they were making plenty of money off their PS2 sales (7 YEARS AFTER LAUNCH), and their foray into the handheld market would also prove fruitful. While Sony was busy working on solid hardware and improving their handheld, the XBOX 360 team was neck deep in broken hardware and bricked 360 consoles. It's a known fact that the first 360 consoles were basically beta prototypes launched way ahead of schedule for testing purposes only. It didn't cost Microslop anything at all for beta testing because they just threw the glitchy hardware together and shoved it out the door leaving the consumer to pick up the tab and pick up the pieces of a failed launch by becoming unwitting home beta testers.

The 360 failed to turn on and when it did it would brick itself. Some 360s rebelled to the point of spontaneously combusting in people's homes burning down entertainment centers and living rooms. Some 360s scratched up retail cds like my cats stretching out on the sofa after a long nap. COOKIE BE NAUGHTY.

*Google Results 1 - 10 of about 1,340,000 for xbox 360 problems. (0.23 seconds)

It's not like I'm making this shit up as I go. That would be way too fucking easy. I've done my homework :)

 

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360 SOFTWARE UPDATES
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That's right gamers. Microblehk gets full credit again for ushering in the era of software updates for retail games. Remember when you needed to apply a software patch to your favorite arcade game or home console up until the launch of the 360? Me neither because the concept didn't fucking exist. It does now.

Case in point, Saint's Row or as I like to call it, FIASCO TOTAL.

This article can be found at: http://xbox360.ign.com/articles/742/742584p1.html

October 30, 2006 - Today, THQ's thug-a-palooza, Saints Row, is getting an Xbox Live Marketplace update. The list of updates is extensive and covers both single and multiplayer. Below is the full list of updates as listed on the official Saints Row message board.General
# Enabled 4xAA (anti-aliasing) for 480i standard-def and 480p resolutions (was 2xAA).
# Enabled 4x anti-aliasing during initial player creation screen.
# Added player options to enable v-sync during cutscenes and/or gameplay, with warning that it will affect framerate.
# Fixed widescreen formatting issues in certain resolutions.
# Fixed issue where button icons would sometimes not appear during tagging activity.
# Fixed problem where camera could rapidly rotate around player when exiting vehicle.
# Added dialog reminding player to save before final mission in the game.
# Fixed rare crash bugs due to variants and fast shader constants.
# DLC - Car dealership now skips paint selection for car if the car has no color data.
# Fixed issue when signing out of a gamer profile on The Wheel Woman unlock screen.
# Added missing audio tracks to music stores, including "Pickin' Boogers"
# Added long sideburns and four other missing hairstyles to Shear Intensity salonsMultiplayer
# Improvements to the way the game handles packet loss and bandwidth management between players. This addresses issues commonly cited as "lag", and general synchronization problems between the players' clients (vehicles/players warping around, etc).
# Various bandwidth optimizations.
# Fixed connection issues with gang servers (done server-side, update not required).
# The system for rating a player's quality-of-service has been improved, and made less conservative. This means you'll see many more matches with 10-12 player limits.
# Fixed "clothes stealing" exploit. Stolen clothes will be deleted, legit clothes will be unharmed.
# Various changes to Matchmaking phase, to get players in the game faster.
# Team-based, non-Gang games are now required to have even teams. Gang matches still allowed to be off-by-one to allow easier matchmaking, since single people cannot be matched-in.
# Fixed issue that could cause the Blinged Out Ride vehicle to get stuck inside the garage when the driver disconnects.
# Fixed crash that could happen during server migration.
Fixed rank reporting errors in Leaderboards for Team Gang Brawl and Team Big Ass Chains.
# Fixed problem where end of games stats display could be improperly sorted.
# Fixed issue in server migration where statistics would not be properly updated for the newly elected server.
# Fixed issue where incorrect server was elected for game size.
# Fixed issue where car could get stuck in a chop shop or get pushed out of the level and destroyed.
# Added caching to pimp hat and multiplayer chains to reduce delay when they are loaded.
# Fixed problem where PC could become bald after importing from single- player savegame.
# Fixed problem where multiplayer garages had problems with client vehicles colliding at the entrance with an invisible mesh mover.
# Item sync improvements.
# Fixed problem that could prevent twelve people from getting into a match due to not having enough security associations.
# Points stored in Big Ass Chains are now being reset between games.
# Fixed issue where gang stats retrieval could fail and not be retried.
# Addressed "standby" hack where a player would temporarily disconnect their network connection to move around without others seeing them.
# The proper number of custom vehicle choices now appears for the Hustlin multiplayer level.
# Gang sizes limited to 100 members.
# Fixed cases where gangs match but not all players get into the game.
Only servers with sufficient bandwidth are selected to host a match.
# Fixed bug where multiplayer garages had problems with client vehicles colliding against unseen geometry.
# Big Ass Chains points scored stats are now reset between games.
# Fixed bug where player would have pipebombs in inventory but would not be able to throw them.
# Fixed problem in Protect Tha Pimp where a player would respawn at the beginning of a round in observer mode.
# DLC - Always display name of level server has selected, even if client does not have that level downloaded.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

I mean, WHAT IN THEE FUCKING HELL?!?!?!

I just wanted to do some gaming and this is what I have to fucking go through to do it? BLEHK! The list of shit needing fixes AFTER RETAIL LAUNCH is a mile long and growing. Thank you so very much Microhos for selling me a game that doesn't work at all until I've connected to xbox live and download a mammoth list of updates. I thought I was buying a solid product but then again, since when has Microfleelf made anything that didn't need to be fixed first (after launch)? Answer: never.

Broken hardware, broken software and now a buggy broken xbox live. I'm terrified to ask what's next :(

fact: The XBOX 360 has a hardware failure rate of 33%
fact: Microshaft knows this and doesn't care otherwise they'd fix the shit
fact: Halo 3 retailed with scratched to shit non-working discs

Microblefueah obviously loves their consumer base so much...

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THE GOOD
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It's not all shit and vomit at Microsoft. No sir. Having failed so bad with the XBOX 1 which now caters only to pirates and emulation freaks, they've finally managed to carve out a solid hold on the mountain Nintendo, Sega and Sony have built over the decades. The hardware is being fixed, the games are getting better since developers aren't running from the hardware and Xbox Live is a powerhouse for online gaming (assuming you like being flamed by 12 year olds). The 360 has all the potential and financial backing in the world to become a serious gaming platform before the world ends in 2012. This is all assuming can't sell another 200,000,000 consoles before then.

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FAIRPLAY
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In all fairness, it's important to point out that Sony has managed to knife itself repeatedly in the marketing groin over past few years with the launch of the PSP and the PS3. The PSP launched with broken hardware and a handheld that spit out discs with the slightest gaming twist. Thankfully, a few hardware revisions later, these problems have been worked out and the PSP is set to dominate the handheld market in 2008. Wait for it. The PS3 launch was akin to the 360 launch minus the hype and broken hardware. Sony's pricetag which looked similar to NASA's shuttle launch costs managed to scare off hundreds of thousands of potential launch buyers. US$600 isn't chump change for a console that anyone other than the absurdly rich can afford. Since then Sony has dropped the price and retarded backwards compatibility issues vaulting them back into the marketing game which is worth millions and millions of dollars.

I hope the PS3 and 360 both have massive libraries full of unique and intersting games because I like to game.

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During the launch of the 360 I had witnessed one of the most outrageous far-fetched marketing schemes ever for a videogame console so I took it upon myself to clarify some of the images which had been thrust upon the gaming community. You can find the entire XFLOP series here: http://www.johnnys-epitaph.com/360/360.html Enjoy :)