Reviews

First of all I'd like to make a comment directed to the reviewers at GAMESPOT and IGN.

FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF

The staff of 15 year old twits who make up the garbage that somehow passes for videogame reviews at the above mentioned sites need to go fuck themselves. How is it that the entire staff manages to give a game less than a 5 yet all the semi-retarded single losers who signed up for accounts gave the game a 9? A popular site says 5 and we the people say 9. Something is fishy in Denmark, but I think I've figured out their formula for rating games.

What you do is hire kids with videogame backgrounds like this:

 

Once this spastic demon hits the age of 15 he'll be ready to write reviews for popular sites like Gamespot and IGN where his extensive background in videogames which obviously started with the Nintendo 64 and then jumped immediately to the gimmickfest Wii will help spawn such riveting one line opinions like:

"This game is crap." 4

"I didn't like this one." 3

"Total waste of time!!!" 2

"This isn't Halo 4 YO!" 1

Thank you so very much for enlightening us to why you didn't like the game MORON. The following are my reviews for Gamespot and IGN. SHIT and VOMIT.

______________________________________________________________

I propose that any site that decides it wants to post reviews for videogames must adhere to the following criteria:

- Must have owned a Nintendo Entertainment System, not the Super, the first one. I wanted to say the Atari 2600 but then we get into the really hardcore oldschool gamers who think everything that isn't Pitfall 2 or Yar's Revenge is shit. Like me. Speaking of Yar's Revenge...

- Must have a highscore on Yar's Revenge for the Atari 2600 of at least 500,000. Real gamers dominate Yar's Revenge, kids play Halo.

- Must give a complete report on the history of videogames. If it starts with Microsoft you are going to be burned at the stake in the local town square. It also has to be unique. We want flavor and personality not the same regurgitated doggerel we see everywhere else.

- Must not be an idiot. This means you MUST NOT BE AN IDIOT YOU MORONS. Any reviews shorter than a paragraph containing less than say 5000 words will be automatically rejected.

- Must not try to be hip and cool. If I see YO or PHAT or WUTEVUH in your review you are fired. It's okay for me to use these hip phrases on IRC because I'm already cool.

- Must have been laid at least once in your life. I just heard a pin drop. That's right DORKS, don't bother. Getting laid is an essential part of being human. It's why you have a penis and she has a vagina. That's how it works. How is this relevant to videogame reviews you ask? Simple. It weeds out the single losers who get too intense about a videogame and start shitting their pants because HALO 4 beta screenshots were posted on Microsoft's X-Tards forum. If you don't like women it's okay too. Gays are welcome to review as long as they refrain from talking about cocks and asses. Unless of course you are reviewing porn in which case, "Once more unto the breach dear friends..."

- Must deny any and all religions. That's right TIMMY, God doesn't exist in videogames and Jesus didn't care how good the AI was or wasn't in Halo. Leave your dillusional wishful thinking at church, and bring your balls to the table instead. Speaking of balls...

- Must not be afraid to give your honest opinion. I do it all the time. I started this article with FUCK YOU and FUCK OFF which pretty sums up how I honestly feel about the reviews being given at Gamespot and IGN. Grow some balls already and let us know what you really think. Is the game good? Is it REALLY good? I guess it's MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME MAN!!! Let it out. If you've got an opinion we want to hear it LOUD AND CLEAR. Swearing makes you a man. Holding back makes you a total pussy.

- Must weigh more than 150 pounds. This eliminates children and weak pussies.

I think this will land us some good solid videogame reviews that tell us what the games are really like instead of a one-sided 5 year old's opinion of the latest Harry Potter title.